How to explain this to others?

It seems that almost daily I am telling people about our adoption. My job was posted at my work for my leave, so I now have over 200 people wondering what is going on. I'm obviously not pregnant, so most people assumed that I was going to be off for more surgery on my leg. They are shocked when I tell them about the adoption(happily shocked). There are two responses I get most often. First is "what a lucky boy", and second is "you are so wonderful for doing this". Both of these statements that I have had trouble with ever since we started this process.

Is he lucky? NO, he's not. Are we wonderful for doing this? No, we are not.

I know that people say these things with all good intentions but I have a really hard time with it. He is not lucky. If he was lucky, he would have been born in a country that provided enough food, water, shelter and security that he could have stayed there and been raised by his biological parents. He would have been born in the west, or at least into a middle class family. Instead he woke up one morning and his whole world was torn upside down. He didn't ask for this, and he does not understand what is going on. I'm sure he doesn't feel lucky.

We are the lucky ones. We get the most incredible and amazing job that anyone can get. We get to parent this boy. To watch him grow up, to watch him learn, to watch him love, to watch him become a man. That is lucky.

I understand what people mean by this comment, they mean that he is one of the small few who get to leave the cycle of poverty, he gets a future when so many don't, he will survive and not die of starvation like millions of others, but he doesn't understand this. One day he might. My hope is that one day our son looks back on his life and is proud of the journey it took to bring him to us. I hope one day he will look into my eyes and see that I know without a doubt that I am lucky that he was brought into my life.

When people tell me that I am wonderful for adopting, I don't know what to say. Adoption isn't something people do to feel wonderful. We didn't do this to feel good about ourselves. I donate money to charities to feel like a good person. I put presents under the Christmas tree at the local shelter to feel good about myself. This is something that I was always going to do. I was meant to adopt, which I can't explain to anyone who wasn't. I am not wonderful for doing this, I am just following my path. We are creating our family the way we were suppose to, the way we were meant to. And once again how lucky am I that this handsome boy is my son!

Decisions Made and a Request for Help

Well we did it. We booked our tickets. We are off to Ethiopia on June 7th. Now before you get excited NO we didn't get Tegegn's VISA. We have been told that it will be in, in approx 4 weeks from now. If I've learned anything from this process, approximately is different for everyone. With that said we have booked our flights home July 6th. Our hope is that we will be coming home as a family of four, but that might not happen. If his VISA isn't issued in that time frame, Darryl and Celine will be making the long journey home and I will stay with Tegegn for and unknown period of time. Obviously I am hoping that if this happens it will be a short extended stay, but who knows.

All I know is that I need to be a mother to my child physically and not by seeing pictures of him. We as a family need to get to know each other, we need to be whole. In all honesty we need this journey of waiting to come to end, so that the hoping and dreaming is reality, and the anxiety, tears and heartache ends. That is why we have decided to take this risk.

So wish us luck!!

For those of you who read my blog and are not familiar with the process of adopting from Ethiopia here is a bit of a background - After a family receives a referral, they will wait anywhere from 1-3 months for a court date. Only after a successful court hearing can the travel documents be prepared for children - and families are ONLY able to bring their children home once they have received confirmation that the travel documents are ready. In the past, these travel documents have fluctuated in processing time, anywhere from 2 weeks to over six months!! Currently, these travel documents are taking an EXTREMELY long time - in fact, NO families who have gotten their referral since the bankruptcy (the first referral occurred in mid December 2009) have received their travel documents for their children. That means no family has yet bring home their child/ren to Canada and have been given no indication whatsoever of when this might happen. This issue is completely unacceptable and, even more so, unnecessary and could easily be solved.

In comparison to other countries, like the USA, families receive these travel documents within as little as two weeks after their successful court hearing. Also, in comparison to other Canadian High Commission locations around world that process travel documents, the office in Nairobi (in which Ethiopian adoption travel documents are prepared) takes over double the amount of time as these other locations and has gotten significantly longer over time.

This issue does not only affect Ethiopian children being adopted by Canadian families, but on a much larger scale, it also affects refugees coming to Canada. The Canadian Council for Refugees’ wrote a report describing the current problems in Nairobi and called for better resourcing at the Canadian High Commission in Nairobi. You can read more background on this issue here http://ccrweb.ca/en/bulletin/09/11/02 and the full report here http://www.ccrweb.ca/documents/Nairobireport.pdf

Here are the steps to follow to help us take action on this issue:

1) Cut and paste the letter at the end of this post into an email.

2) Send the email to the Minister of Citizenship and Immigration, Jason Kenney, at Minister@cic.gc.ca.

3) Copy your own Member of Parliament on the email. Using your postal code, you can find her/his email address at the following website: http://www2.parl.gc.ca/Parlinfo/Compilations/HouseOfCommons/MemberByPostalCode.aspx?Menu=HOC

4) At this time, the Standing Committee on Citizenship and Immigration is studying the issue of immigration application process wait times, specifically the long visa wait times of the High Commission in Nairobi. Telling this committee what we are asking for is a key step. We also want to let the Prime Minister, Minister of Foreign Affairs and the Foreign Affairs critics know that we are doing this. Please copy the following Members of Parliament on the email to the Minister as well:

tilson.d@parl.gc.ca, BevilM@parl.gc.ca, chowo@parl.gc.ca, StcyrT@parl.gc.ca, Calandra.P@parl.gc.ca, GrewaN@parl.gc.ca, ThilaE@parl.gc.ca, karygj@parl.gc.ca, Wong.A@parl.gc.ca, DykstR@parl.gc.ca, Coderre.D@parl.gc.ca, Young.T@parl.gc.ca, pm@pm.gc.ca, Cannon.L@parl.gc.ca, rae.b@parl.gc.ca, DewarP@parl.gc.ca, lalonf@parl.gc.ca

Here is the letter for copying and pasting:

Subject line: Application processing times at the Canadian High Commission in Nairobi

Dear Minister Kenney,

I have read of the Canadian Council for Refugee's report on the Canadian High Commission in Nairobi. I am distressed to learn of the High Commission's processing times for its most vulnerable applicants. I am embarrassed as a Canadian to read in the report some of the personal stories of refugees and their dependants who are enduring significant hardships, and in some cases tragedy, as they wait years for their applications to be reviewed by your clearly overburdened visa officers in Nairobi. Furthermore, this issue also affects children being adopted by Canadian families.

CIC-Nairobi' s processing times for refugees, refugee dependants, and internationally adopted children are approximately double the average for all of Canada's overseas missions. In fact, CIC-Nairobi' s processing times for almost all other immigration categories lag dramatically behind the global average for Canada's overseas missions. This situation is hardly fair or just, especially given that it impacts some of the most at-risk people Canada's overseas missions serve.

I want my voice heard and to encouraging the Government of Canada to stop the neglect of this overseas mission and the many very vulnerable individuals and families it serves. I would like to strongly encourage Citizenship and Immigration Canada to act on the following recommendations from the Canadian Council for Refugee's report:

- increase resources (both human and material) at Nairobi;
- increase processing targets allocated to Nairobi;
- reduce the number of countries served by Nairobi by using or creating other visa posts in the region to take on some of the burden of Nairobi; and
- review refugee and immigration programs to ensure that access is equitable and that Canadian anti-discrimination and anti-racism policies are fully respected.

Your spokesman's comments in November regarding the High Commission's processing times seemed to indicate that the Government of Canada feels no sense of urgency to address this situation. While acknowledging that this region is beset with many special obstacles, Canada is clearly failing to meet these unique challenges with unique solutions. The only conclusion that can be drawn is that those with the power in Ottawa to address this situation simply do not care to make resourcing decisions that would better support and protect vulnerable children and families.

I urge you to extend our Canadian values of fairness and compassion to vulnerable waiting families and to search for solutions to the issues currently facing the High Commission in Nairobi.

Sincerely,
Your name
Your address

By sending these letters you will NOT help out Darryl and I. We are already in the process, and it will not change that fast, but you WILL make a difference to all the Canadian families in the future waiting for VISA's.

Letter writing made the difference after the bankruptcy. It helped us re-structure and allowed us to meet our son. I am asking you on bended knee. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send these letters. No other family should be forced to make the decision to risk everything like we are doing and fly over without a VISA or to stay at home while there child grows up in an orphanage.

From the bottom of my heart, Thank you

Friends Out Of Chaos

International adoption has been a lot more emotionally challenging then I ever expected. This obviously is in part to the horrible situation of the bankruptcy, but the process itself challenges you at every step. First it’s excitement of the decision to adopt. For us we knew we would always do this, but it challenged societies opinion of creating a family, and therefore came with a lot of “why” questions.

Then there is the waiting. The endless waiting. The constant pushed out time frames. I can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it how emotionally draining it is. There are days where you want to give up, throw in the towel and say forget it, it’s not worth it (even though in your heart you know it is). It is days like the one I am describing that I am so glad to have gone through this experience with some of the people I have met.

When the bankruptcy happened, the Internet allowed me to meet people I never would have met otherwise. Daily e-mails, phone conversations and just knowing that there is someone out there who understands what you are going through completely is a wonderful thing. I have met one person in particular that has helped me through this process (you know who you are) that I can’t thank enough. On days where I felt like we want to give up, she inspires me to go on. On days where I need to vent, I e-mail her, and on the wonderful days I have had recently, she is just as excited as I am because in the adoption world every time someone get’s a referral, goes through a successful court date, get’s a VISA it is a celebration for all.

Yesterday I came home to a package. Inside was a lovely letter and a necklace. The necklace has two pendants on it, one with the picture of a girl and one with the picture of a boy. On the back of these pendants it has Celine and Tegegn’s name on them. There are no words to say thank you. Once again knowing that there is someone who get’s it is priceless! THANK-YOU

A Weight Lifted Off My Shoulders

Some of you know that last October I broke my leg really bad. I won't get into details, but let's just say that seeing my bones outside of my body was not on my bucket list, and I don't recommend anyone put it on theirs. My recovery has been one complication, then another, then another. The last month has been really hard. There was a possibility that I might need more surgery and would have to postpone our trip to Ethiopia leaving Tegegn in the Transition house for longer then necessary if his Visa came in before I recovered, or Darryl would have had to go to Ethiopia by himself to pick him up. Needless to say neither of these options were great, and the thought of either of them was too hard to think about.

Well this week I had 2 dr. appointments and they both went great. There has been a huge improvement over the past month, and both have told me that I could go to Ethiopia without any worries. There is the possibility that I will need some minor surgery in the future, but I shouldn't be concerned about problems arising when I am there.

I can't tell you how happy this has made me. It finally feels right. I can finally let my emotions go crazy with the realization that we are going to Ethiopia together as a family. We will get to meet our little boy together. I can't wait to hug him, love him and watch him play with his big sister Celine. I can't wait to watch him grow up. Here are the latest pictures we received of him. All I can say is WOW I have an adorable little boy!!!!

Good Times!

My two good friends threw us an Adoption Celebration over the weekend. Close family and friends came to celebrate the adoption of Tegegn. They thought of everything. Good Ethiopian food and coffee, a picture of Tegegn that everyone signed to welcome him to the family, and a “I’m a big sister” book for Celine. Everyone had a great time, although some of us had a little too much of a good time (too much wine), which was felt the next day…..lol Thank you so much. Now all we need is the phone call to go and get him and my life would be perfect.

Another Step Down

I guess there was one more step that needed to happen before Tegegn’s VISA could be issued. It is called the letter of no objection. Basically what happens is the high commission of Canada in Nairobi sends the court documents to the Ministry of Children and Youth Services in Ontario to make sure that they agree (one more time) that the adoption should go through (even though he is legally our child). They then must send a letter of no objection to the high commission before the VISA will be processed. I didn’t know that this step existed and I am sooooooo excited about it. What it means is that our file is not sitting in a pile in someone’s office. It has actually been looked at and is moving forward. Could this be it? Is it possible that our luck has changed once more and things are going to move faster then normal? I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. You know what this means. Every Friday and Monday I will be on edge. These are the only days that “the pouch” of VISA’s are opened by Imagine staff in Ethiopia. So this is a warning to anyone reading this that comes in contact with me on those days. I WILL BE ON EDGE. I WILL BE JITTERY EVERYTIME THE PHONE RINGS. I WILL BE IN TEARS WHEN THE CALL COMES. I WILL GET TO HUG AND KISS MY LITTLE BOY ONE DAY VERY SOON!!!!!!!

A Very Good Day

There are a lot of bad days going through an adoption but today was a very good day. Today we were sent pictures that confirms that Tegegn knows of us. We sent him a picture album and a stuffed animal and he now has them. I can't explain the feeling. Falling in love with your son through pictures is the strangest and most incredible thing. I am sooooo excited to be able to get to know him and watch him grow. But for now we wait. We wait for a visa so we can start the process of becoming a family under one roof.